That Salad
by fishiesinthesky
Summary: NaruSasu CRACKFIC! Naruto is being an idiot again, but this time Sasuke doesn't have a clue what he's laughing about. Warnings for slash, a dirty-minded Naruto and utter silliness!


Hey, everyone! :D It's been a while! I won't bother you with a big huge author's note this time, but I would like to say a few things.

First of all, this is Naruto slash Sasuke. That means BOY x BOY LURVE, OF THE NARUSASU VARIETY! So if you don't like, don't read, thank you very much! This is the only warning you'll get. Other warnings may include a lack of beta, a dirty-minded Naruto and blatant OOC-ness; I think I went more than a bit crackfic on this one, too, so it is recommended that you not read it for literary correctness. I wrote this (a while ago, mind you- I've been too busy lately) to be amusing, and I hope I succeeded. Any and all comments and concrit are much appreciated! Seriously! I'll give you cookies!

Inspired by my wonderfully perverted friends, Calliope-Twuna (my fish), and a little book of miracles. Dedicated to my newly-found writing partner, Hedonistic Opportunist. And while I'm at it, happy birthday, Naruto! This is for all of you!

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It all started at the restaurant.

Team seven celebrated the end of their first month-long mission by going out for dinner together. It was a chilly, gusty evening in October. Winter was well on its way, and you could already see people bundled up in coats and scarves and hats and mittens. Leaves the colour of fire tumbled in the streets.

This was no extraordinary outing. It was simply Naruto, Kakashi, Sakura and I, sitting in a booth, waiting for a server to come and take our order. They looked busy. It was just a normal day in October with all the normal people in all their normal places and everything was just plain _normal_.

But then Sakura had to go and spoil it by ordering _that salad_, and Naruto had to ruin it by being the biggest moron in the history of stupidity.

Yes, _that salad_. You know what I'm talking about.

"One creamy cucumber salad, please," She said, glancing sideways at me like she always does. (I was very much immune to it by then, but still, did she have to be so obvious?)

However, it wasn't but a heartbeat later that Naruto burst out laughing for no reason at all- or so I thought. Instantly I could sense murderous intent radiating off of our pink-haired teammate in waves.

"Haha- OWWW!"

"It's not my fault that some people don't want to eat foods that are actually good for you!" she growled.

There were tears in his eyes from the sheer hilarity of the joke we all seemed to have missed. "I'm sorry, Sakura-chan! It's just that-" Then he started laughing again.

People were looking at us. The waitress sweat-dropped.

"O-of course," she stuttered, jotting it down quickly. "And for you, sir?"

Kakashi placed his order and at last the waitress scurried off to the kitchen. Nothing was said of Sakura's cucumber salad for the rest of the meal, but Naruto wouldn't stop giggling. It almost made me wonder... Almost, but not quite.

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Later, we were walking home alone together, since our houses were roughly in the same direction. Naruto had accidentally knocked over Sakura's drink onto her dress, so she clocked him over the head with her hitai-ate and left in a huff. Kakashi, of course, was perfectly content to go poofing around everywhere instead of walking with us and making sure we didn't try to kill each other – if you ask me, he just wanted a break from refereeing to go read his porn. Some teacher he was.

But that wasn't even the worst of my worries, oh no. It had been almost an hour, and _Naruto still hadn't stopped giggling, damn it! _

"Stop giggling, idiot," I said.

"Bastard! It's not giggling- that's so girly! I'm chuckling."

"Sounds like giggling to me."

"Prick."

"Moron."

He snorted. "Hey, if you're so smart, how come you didn't get the joke I was laughing about earlier?"

A chilly wind hit us, and he wrapped his bright blue scarf tighter around the neck of his obnoxious orange coat. I thought about not answering, but instead I blurted, "How do you know I just wasn't dumb enough to start laughing like a maniac in the middle of a restaurant?"

"You don't know it, do you? Hah!" He crowed with glee. "You hear that, world? Sasuke the genius doesn't know what I'm talking about! I'm the greatest!"

I bristled. "And how do I know you're not bluffing?" I asked. "You could be pretending that everything was some big joke just to fool me, and like I'm going to fall for that one."

He grinned. I glared.

"The other day, I was visiting the perverted hermit, and he had one of his books open on the table..."

_This isn't good,_ I thought. _This is definitely not good._

"… And guess what I found out? There are certain foods that are supposed to have hormones in them that make girls wanna get _frisky_-" he grinned even wider "-and one of them is _cucumber_!"

I was silent and disbelieving for half a minute as Naruto burst out laughing again. _This_ was the joke that had him claiming he was a fucking genius? I don't think so!

"Only you could find something like that funny, idiot."

He stuck out his tongue at me and guffawed.

The rest of the walk was relatively quiet, and Naruto carried on a one-sided conversation while I resolutely ignored everything he was saying. This restaurant must have been a long way from the Uchiha district, because we were passing by a field of pumpkins that I had only passed a few times before in my lifetime.

Suddenly, Naruto turned to me and said, "And do you know what else I found out while I was at that guy's house?"

"I have a feeling I don't want to know."

"Oh, trust me. You'll _love_ this one."

I wasn't convinced, but he started talking before I could object.

"It turns out that it's not just girls… they say that if you wanna get down and dirty with your boyfriend or whatever, there's a natural aphrodisiac for that, too!"

"For the last time, Naruto, I don't want to hear it!"

He stopped in front of me and I came to a halt a few inches away from him, and it was useless to glare because his blue eyes were looking into mine, so close and so intense. Suddenly I thought I knew what he was doing, and I couldn't breathe.

"Can you guess what it is, Sasuke?"

I must have been hallucinating. Naruto would never make _those eyes_ at me, ever. No matter how much sense it made. No matter how many times we had saved each other, how many rules we had broken together. _Stay cool, stay cool, stay cool- for God's sakes, stop betraying me, damned blushing!_

He grinned mischievously and pounced, catching me off guard, and we went tumbling down the side of the road into the bushes beside some poor farmer's patch of plump orange pumpkins. There was muck and dirt all over my clothes, on his jacket, smeared in his golden hair, and just a tiny dollop of mud just millimeters from his mouth…

"Pumpkin pie," he breathed, and I finally learned what dirt tastes like.

You know, clumsy as it was, I don't think I'd have liked that pumpkin-dirt so much if it weren't Naruto kissing me.

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The end! :3

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